Sense and Nothingness

Sometimes, I lie around and do nothing.  Nothing worthwhile at least.  And as I am busily engaged in nothingness there's a sensible part of me saying, "Get up, what's wrong with you?"  But I have this hollow feeling that is satisfied by the nothing.  By the endless novel.  The mindless television.  The processed sugar kibble I chew like cud.  As if all the garbage I take in will fill me and fulfill me.

A lot of times this happens at night.  Even when I want to sleep.  Even when Jute comes to me, and says he wants to sleep.  He wants me to come sleep with him.  He wants me in our bed.  And the sensible parts of me says, "Yes, go to bed with him."  "Hell," it says, "make love to him!"  Or fuck him.  Or something like that.  I really do want to go with him, and seduce him with a quick, happy tumble before we cuddle and fall asleep.

Well, I didn't go tonight.  The hollow place was too alluring and I thought, maybe if I just finish this show I'll be okay.  When it was done I wrestled with myself to stop.  I told myself I was going to go upstairs and snuggle him awake for a quick bit of nookie.

However when I got to my bed, I realized he wasn't in it.  He'd asked me to go to bed, but I told him I was watching a show.  After that he joined Lane in her bed.  He'd done that instead of waiting for me, in my empty one.  When I realized I would be alone tonight, it stung.

The sensible part of myself is pretty harsh now.  It's telling me I'm the one to blame.

Returning?

So I've been gone for a long time, I just came back because I wanted to delete everything.  I knew I hadn't been here in so long, and I wanted to remove my abandoned words.

In returning, reading what I had written, I suddenly became attached to them again.  Words I wove in honesty.  I decided I'd leave them for now.  I don't know if I will continue to add to them after this.  But there is catharsis in writing for me, even if I'm fickle about it.

It seems reasonable, should anyone read my musings, they might wonder what has occurred in my life over the last year.  I have been peaceful.  My work satisfies me.  I've been healthy enough, although not as much as I would like to have been.  My primary partner, Jute, and I are well.  Lane, the new girl I once wrote about is still a part of our life.  She is his partner, my friend, our roommate.  Raven, my once long distance 'FWB' is still long distance, and still a friend although we've lost touch with each other's lives.  Recently he and his girlfriend Kit reached out to me during a difficult time and I comforted them.  Perhaps we will reawaken our friendships.