Sexual Wounds?

Reading on fetlife a few minutes ago I came across this thread which shares an article by Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol.  I haven't read much of what Dr. Anapol has written, so I'll reserve my judgement on her expertise. I do find this particular article very interesting in regards to my own experiences with polyamory and group sex.

As I shared the other day in my post about Jute's new partner, I'm not all that comfortable with group sex.  I don't really enjoy it because I spend much of the time 'in my head,' worried about what each person's physical and emotional state is at the moment.  In the article Dr. Anapol states, "It's not possible to enjoy having multiple partners if you're sexually insecure."  Is that my problem then?  Am I sexually insecure?  I'd like to believe I'm perfectly sexually healthy, but something about the way I'll sometimes shed tears after orgasm hints to me that I'm not.

Dr. Anapol continues with, "Many people give up on polyamory, or at least retreat into the safety of intellectualizing or fantasizing about its glories, once they realize the amount of sometimes painful healing and deconditioning which may be involved."  I did that.  When our quad collapsed for the final time I retreated, not just from polyamory, but from relationships in general.  Including my marriage.  I spent a few weeks 'single' in my heart.  I was afraid of more pain, but also I needed some time for personal growth.  During that time I opened the door to ending the black depression which had consumed me for months.  Taking care of myself became a priority and becoming healthy seemed possible again.

The Black Depression (I'm kind of liking the phrase all of a sudden - it's a catchy way to describe that time in my life), was the catalyst for a lot of my growth this year.  Now that I'm on the other side I feel like I am so much better able to recognize flaws in my emotional health.  I can also accept that I am flawed, without feeling nearly as guilty about it.  I know I'm healing, and I know it will take time.  I also know I will always have scars.  Scars I'll choose to wear with acceptance and wisdom.

I think I've always had some 'sexual wounds,' as Dr. Anapol would call them.  Right now I think I have a mixture of ancient ones, and those which were ripped open only in the last year.