Prayer and Magick

I invited Jute to attend the Full Moon next weekend with the local Wiccan group.  We've participated a couple times in events with them, but honestly I've been somewhat hesitant to revisit them. It was Star who introduced me, both there, and to Paganism in general.  When Star and I first met she followed a different style of Paganism, but she had old connections to the Wiccan group.  At one point in our relationship she was considering converting back to Wicca.  I don't know if she's still feeling that way or not.  My guess is not.  Her mercurial whims frustrated me to no end.

Regardless, I've wanted to return and learn more about their teachings, but I've been afraid to step onto their grounds on my own, without her presence as an introduction.  I've also been afraid that, should I arrive there, I might find her as a participant.  Every time I see her, my heart wrings up.  We are gracious with each other, but internally I am shrinking away, guarding my soul from being burned again.

I've tried reading Pagan books and websites on my own.  I'd love to figure out what draws me toward the belief.  I spent a good number of years a staunch atheist, comfortably unconcerned with matters of the spirit.  Star and Carter's beliefs were interesting to me, but only academically.  That changed last spring, when I was taken by a dark depression.  One night, crying in the shower, I began to pray.  I prayed to 'I-don't-know-who-or-what-you-are-just-please-help-me,'  and after that prayer I began to question my belief in nothingness.  I began to feel as if there was more to be understood.

It seem to me, the same as the Christianity I was raised with, that Pagan religion is riddled with inanities.  Some folks will propose that X is the way to do things, and if they aren't in the exact place or at the exact time they are meaningless.  That plain seems wrong to me, on a primal level.  Nothing spiritual really makes sense to me yet though either.  What does speak to me, is the power I feel radiating from the sacred fires.  The windsong I hear in my minds ear.  The caress of water droplets running down my body in the rain.  The warm core of the earth steadying me when I reach for it.

I'm going to return to the Wiccan group, because they might have some answers for me.  I can't forget the anticipatory buzz I felt the first moment I stepped onto their grounds.  It called to me.  The earth seemed to be saying, "There is magick here."