Cuffed

I wore my cuffs to sleep last night.  I was held by baby pink faux leather lined with fuzzy faux fur.  The short shiny stainless chain restricted me in a peaceful way.  I haven't worn my cuffs to bed for months.  The last time I did Jute caught me and teased me about it.  He thought Carter had told me to do it, but Carter hadn't.  At least Carter didn't think it was a silly action though.  He figured it meant I was feeling insecure, that I wanted comfort.  Carter understood that bondage, cuffs, rope, can mean more than physical sensation.  There's a powerful emotional release when I am bound.  Carter wove ropes around me and I saw it as an expression of art and love.

As far as I can tell Jute has never felt the magickal aura of bondage.  It is functional to him.  Mechanical restriction which can be used to facilitate physical pleasure.  Months ago, during a week where Star and I had been fighting and I couldn't be with Carter because of that, Jute thought it would be a good idea to arrange a date for me with a rope top.  I was unsure, when he proposed it, but decided it might be fun.  He found a nice enough man to do it, and I even enjoyed myself through the process.  The problem arose the next morning.  I dropped *hard.*  I sobbed.  I felt dirty.  I felt like I'd sullied the purity of my love for rope.  I'd cheapened it.

Star and Carter were furious.  They both knew how powerfully I react to being bound, and were incredulous that this idea - a fling to get my mind off them - had ever been given merit.  Even though she had been angry with me the other day, Star comforted me.  She spoke soothingly to me as I sobbed to her over the phone.  That afternoon she brought me chocolates and held me.

Even now, recalling that, I'm starting to cry.  I miss her friendship, her touch.  We were volatile together, almost because we understood too much.  We fought so many of the same internal demons - histories of abuse, abandonment and depression.  We have mirrored histories, and they link us together.  As distant as I've become from her I cannot 'un-love' her.  My heart is forever roughly bound and cuffed to hers.