Because of You

I am an abuse survivor.  I was beaten and degraded by my mother.  Every bit of who I am has been touched by this. 

Getting into grad school was probably more about proving I was 'good enough' than a genuine desire to spend a third of my lifetime as a student.  Without that pain to drive me I would have settled into a much simpler career path.

Being a good mom was my number one goal in high school.  I was determined to not repeat my mother's mistakes.  I'm still driven by this, but the irony is that I'm not always sure what being a good mom is.  I'm not like my own mother, but I'm not perfect 'either.'  I'm often consumed with guilt that I'm not 'doing it right' no matter what I'm doing.

Having my safety on the line required me to become uncannily sensitive in reading other's moods and feelings.  Conversely, it's made it much more difficult to express my own .  I have to be conscious of trusting people.  It's exhausting.  It's infuriating.  It makes relationships exponentially more tricky.

I have emotional triggers that can be set off anytime, anywhere.  For example, I cry every time I hear Kelly Clarkson's song, 'Because of You.'

 

One time I tried to break myself of this habit.  I played the song on repeat for a couple hours until I'd stopped crying.  I was proud that it no longer affected me.

Today I heard it on the radio.  Turns out that it still makes me cry.