Art

I've been drawing tonight.  Something that I enjoy about sharing art is that the interpretation is derived just as much from the audience as from what I put into the piece to begin with.  With writing it's different.  It seems as if what I have to say is much more plain.

Accidentally I discovered that I can create an interesting effect by taking photos of my sketches:

I don't really have much to say otherwise.  I just wanted to share.

Sexual Wounds?

Reading on fetlife a few minutes ago I came across this thread which shares an article by Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol.  I haven't read much of what Dr. Anapol has written, so I'll reserve my judgement on her expertise. I do find this particular article very interesting in regards to my own experiences with polyamory and group sex.

As I shared the other day in my post about Jute's new partner, I'm not all that comfortable with group sex.  I don't really enjoy it because I spend much of the time 'in my head,' worried about what each person's physical and emotional state is at the moment.  In the article Dr. Anapol states, "It's not possible to enjoy having multiple partners if you're sexually insecure."  Is that my problem then?  Am I sexually insecure?  I'd like to believe I'm perfectly sexually healthy, but something about the way I'll sometimes shed tears after orgasm hints to me that I'm not.

Dr. Anapol continues with, "Many people give up on polyamory, or at least retreat into the safety of intellectualizing or fantasizing about its glories, once they realize the amount of sometimes painful healing and deconditioning which may be involved."  I did that.  When our quad collapsed for the final time I retreated, not just from polyamory, but from relationships in general.  Including my marriage.  I spent a few weeks 'single' in my heart.  I was afraid of more pain, but also I needed some time for personal growth.  During that time I opened the door to ending the black depression which had consumed me for months.  Taking care of myself became a priority and becoming healthy seemed possible again.

The Black Depression (I'm kind of liking the phrase all of a sudden - it's a catchy way to describe that time in my life), was the catalyst for a lot of my growth this year.  Now that I'm on the other side I feel like I am so much better able to recognize flaws in my emotional health.  I can also accept that I am flawed, without feeling nearly as guilty about it.  I know I'm healing, and I know it will take time.  I also know I will always have scars.  Scars I'll choose to wear with acceptance and wisdom.

I think I've always had some 'sexual wounds,' as Dr. Anapol would call them.  Right now I think I have a mixture of ancient ones, and those which were ripped open only in the last year.

Prayer and Magick

I invited Jute to attend the Full Moon next weekend with the local Wiccan group.  We've participated a couple times in events with them, but honestly I've been somewhat hesitant to revisit them. It was Star who introduced me, both there, and to Paganism in general.  When Star and I first met she followed a different style of Paganism, but she had old connections to the Wiccan group.  At one point in our relationship she was considering converting back to Wicca.  I don't know if she's still feeling that way or not.  My guess is not.  Her mercurial whims frustrated me to no end.

Regardless, I've wanted to return and learn more about their teachings, but I've been afraid to step onto their grounds on my own, without her presence as an introduction.  I've also been afraid that, should I arrive there, I might find her as a participant.  Every time I see her, my heart wrings up.  We are gracious with each other, but internally I am shrinking away, guarding my soul from being burned again.

I've tried reading Pagan books and websites on my own.  I'd love to figure out what draws me toward the belief.  I spent a good number of years a staunch atheist, comfortably unconcerned with matters of the spirit.  Star and Carter's beliefs were interesting to me, but only academically.  That changed last spring, when I was taken by a dark depression.  One night, crying in the shower, I began to pray.  I prayed to 'I-don't-know-who-or-what-you-are-just-please-help-me,'  and after that prayer I began to question my belief in nothingness.  I began to feel as if there was more to be understood.

It seem to me, the same as the Christianity I was raised with, that Pagan religion is riddled with inanities.  Some folks will propose that X is the way to do things, and if they aren't in the exact place or at the exact time they are meaningless.  That plain seems wrong to me, on a primal level.  Nothing spiritual really makes sense to me yet though either.  What does speak to me, is the power I feel radiating from the sacred fires.  The windsong I hear in my minds ear.  The caress of water droplets running down my body in the rain.  The warm core of the earth steadying me when I reach for it.

I'm going to return to the Wiccan group, because they might have some answers for me.  I can't forget the anticipatory buzz I felt the first moment I stepped onto their grounds.  It called to me.  The earth seemed to be saying, "There is magick here."

Cuffed

I wore my cuffs to sleep last night.  I was held by baby pink faux leather lined with fuzzy faux fur.  The short shiny stainless chain restricted me in a peaceful way.  I haven't worn my cuffs to bed for months.  The last time I did Jute caught me and teased me about it.  He thought Carter had told me to do it, but Carter hadn't.  At least Carter didn't think it was a silly action though.  He figured it meant I was feeling insecure, that I wanted comfort.  Carter understood that bondage, cuffs, rope, can mean more than physical sensation.  There's a powerful emotional release when I am bound.  Carter wove ropes around me and I saw it as an expression of art and love.

As far as I can tell Jute has never felt the magickal aura of bondage.  It is functional to him.  Mechanical restriction which can be used to facilitate physical pleasure.  Months ago, during a week where Star and I had been fighting and I couldn't be with Carter because of that, Jute thought it would be a good idea to arrange a date for me with a rope top.  I was unsure, when he proposed it, but decided it might be fun.  He found a nice enough man to do it, and I even enjoyed myself through the process.  The problem arose the next morning.  I dropped *hard.*  I sobbed.  I felt dirty.  I felt like I'd sullied the purity of my love for rope.  I'd cheapened it.

Star and Carter were furious.  They both knew how powerfully I react to being bound, and were incredulous that this idea - a fling to get my mind off them - had ever been given merit.  Even though she had been angry with me the other day, Star comforted me.  She spoke soothingly to me as I sobbed to her over the phone.  That afternoon she brought me chocolates and held me.

Even now, recalling that, I'm starting to cry.  I miss her friendship, her touch.  We were volatile together, almost because we understood too much.  We fought so many of the same internal demons - histories of abuse, abandonment and depression.  We have mirrored histories, and they link us together.  As distant as I've become from her I cannot 'un-love' her.  My heart is forever roughly bound and cuffed to hers.

New Girl

Jute had a new partner come over for dinner tonight.  He met Lane a couple weeks ago through craigslist.

Jute is much different than I in how he views sex with strangers.  He has no qualms about having a purely carnal encounter.  In fact, the idea turns him on.  From a risk management standpoint I'm not comfortable with him having one night stands, so our negotiated boundary has been that he only meets people for sex if they have the potential to become a repeat partner.  Before he met Lane he was looking for a new 'fuck buddy' because the woman he was been seeing for that had moved out of state.  I never met that woman because there was never an emotional connection; thus I was nonplussed about her existence, and he didn't feel the desire to introduce her to the rest of his life, and she wasn't interested in being part of it either.

Lane was a different experience for him.  He hadn't expected anything more than the physical connection, but upon meeting her he was happily surprised that she was someone he was genuinely interested in befriending and dating.  I've been really happy for him.  Not only am I excited for him to have this beautiful potential relationship developing, but I'm also happy because it seemed like his interest in Lane was another step in getting past the hurt he's harbored since losing Star.

I enjoyed meeting Lane.  She's not a person I would have noticed on my own, but I felt pretty comfortable hanging out with her and could see us getting to be friends eventually.  I'm sure Jute would love for us to become more - poor guy - he really misses having group sex.  However I'm hesitant to head in that direction.  Firstly because I'm not into sex with people I've just met, but also I'm not a big fan of group sex.  I've found that having sex with two or more partners is too complicated emotionally for me.  I feel inadequate when it comes to balancing the attention given to each person, and spend so much of the time focused on how everyone else is feeling in a given moment that I don't relax and enjoy the process.

I'm not knocking the idea of group sex in general.  It just hasn't worked as well for me.  I'd be interested in trying again someday.  But someday in the future.  I'm glad it wasn't tonight.

New Relationship Energy

NRE.  New Relationship Energy.  For the uninitiated, it's what many poly folks call the 'walking on clouds' feeling you get when you've just started seeing someone new and you think about them every five minutes.  It's a great feeling, makes everything in the world seem a little bit brighter.

Even though I've known him for close to a year now, I feel like over the holidays we've opened some new doors in our relationship.  I'm finding myself feeling that special obsession.  Memories of his kisses, and imaginings about more of them keep popping up and then I'll give a little involuntary sigh of pleasure.  Mmm.  Of course, today we shared a racy 'texting's-too-difficult-better-use-the-phone' call this afternoon, which left us both in a state of post orgasmic bliss.  So that just gives me so much more to sigh about.

NRE is wonderful, but I need to be considerate of a few other people in the equation, namely Jute and Kit.  Jute is easier for me, afterall he's my husband.  I have a better understanding of his worldview and what's going to trigger his insecurities than Kit.  I also have pretty much constant access to him to monitor his well being.  Kit on the other hand is slightly an enigma.  As far as I can tell she and I get along wonderfully, she's easy to converse with and I consider her a friend.  However I just plain don't know her very deeply and therefore can't feel as secure about her perspective as I would like to feel.  I wonder if she and Raven's relationship is really as secure as it seems... perhaps only because that's a big part of what burned me with Star and Carter.

I also wonder how she feels about me. Is she only interested in friendship or is there maybe more than that.  Personally it's harder for me to tell if a woman is interested in me than a man is.  Maybe that's just caused by my lack of experience with the ladies, or maybe it has to do with my perception of what female friendship looks like versus male friendship.  It seems like there's more overlap between what is flirting and what's 'just-friends' when I'm interacting with a woman.  I'm not sure how I feel about developing a physical or romantic connection with Kit either.  That has more to do with my feelings about dating couples in general than with Kit specifically though.  She is a very attractive woman with a great personality.  If only I wasn't already becoming involved with her boyfriend.

Jute tends to look at things differently than me.  He thinks a "V" relationship is inherently less stable than a equilateral triad.  I don't know what to think about that though.  I think I'll leave that as food for thought for another day.

Kisses

This won't start out making much sense, because I don't want to start from the beginning.    I promise: the back story will come out in time.  For now I just don't want to focus on that.  I want to talk about kisses.

Raven kissed me last night. Our first kisses.  I wondered if he was going to, after all the dare was at least four months ago.  It turned out he was just as nervous-eager as I was to finally press close and touch soft sweet lips.  It was so comfortable and happy, like a homecoming.  He remembered the things I'd told him too, how I melt when my hair is petted and how my knees get weak when my neck is nibbled.  He turned me around and held me as we observed the stars, his hands in my pockets, his chin on the top of my head.  So sweet, so brief, I'm already longing for more.

It's frustrating and wonderful that he lives in my hometown.  On the one hand it's so long between visits.  On the other hand he's at least somewhere I visit regularly.  I wish I'd found him when I lived there, but maybe I didn't because I just wasn't ready for him.  He's been part of the process.  He was the friend I could talk to about all the crazy Star and Carter brought into my life and my marriage.  The one who kept reminding me to care for myself.  Every time I thought the crazy drama or my internal struggles would push him away he stayed steadfast. What a wonderful man and friend he is.  It's so important for me to protect the friendship I have in him because I having him in my life has made it richer.