Happy New Year

Well it's official.  Welcome to 2012.

I had an uneventful evening - stayed home and read a book.  A few minutes to midnight Jute asked if we should have a traditional midnight kiss.  I nonchalantly agreed, and we came together for a short make out session.  After the clocks clicked over we broke away again.  He returned to playing Zelda (he received an NES system for the holidays) and I returned to my computer.  I texted a *snuggle kiss* to Raven and was a little sad that I couldn't kiss him in person.

New Years Day.  (sigh)  Exactly one year ago today, Jute and I visited Star and Carter for dinner.  We hardly knew each other at the time.  Star and I had only been flirting for a couple months, and had only kissed once.  We had met each other's husbands, but not socialized with them at all.  The guys were just barely acquaintances.  The plan for the evening was chatting and board games, but somehow instead we ended up having a crazy, beautiful, BDSM orgy.

I'd have to say Star was the one who initiated it.  After a few drinks she suggested we play a new card game, and this time she suggested a 'strip' version.  We exchanged glances, tittered, and then all agreed that could be fun.  Shortly thereafter we were suitably nude enough that Star further suggested that Carter show off his rope skills, using me as a bunny.  I was nervous, but agreed.  As he first began to tie me I experienced a bit of faintness.  When I admitted this sensation, he calmly lowered me into a kitchen chair, loosened the bonds and checked my pulses.  His confidence and calm inspired an immediate wave of relief in me.  I was safe with him.  That moment was when my feelings for him began to turn.

Star and Jute meanwhile had started out watching the bondage session, but somewhere along the line she had shared with him that she was very curious as to what it felt like to suck an un-cut cock.  She asked permission to experience his, and he was happy to oblige.

By the time Carter was ready to tie me to the table, Jute and Star were highly aroused.  The three of them kissed, stroked and licked me all over, and Carter's probing fingers caused me to squirt for the first time in my life.  Jute was facinated and wanted to learn how to do the same.  Carter demonstrated on me for a bit, before I was untied and it was Star's turn to gush all over the hardwood.

Later we took the party to their kingsize bed, and spent a few hours alternately fucking and then making love.  The energy between us was indescribable.  We awoke the next morning in a happy tangle of limbs.  We were amazed at having discovered this intimate connection with each other.  We felt as if we had all aligned just perfectly.

We were ready for a perfect new year.  And what a year it was...  what a year.

Sexual Wounds?

Reading on fetlife a few minutes ago I came across this thread which shares an article by Dr. Deborah Taj Anapol.  I haven't read much of what Dr. Anapol has written, so I'll reserve my judgement on her expertise. I do find this particular article very interesting in regards to my own experiences with polyamory and group sex.

As I shared the other day in my post about Jute's new partner, I'm not all that comfortable with group sex.  I don't really enjoy it because I spend much of the time 'in my head,' worried about what each person's physical and emotional state is at the moment.  In the article Dr. Anapol states, "It's not possible to enjoy having multiple partners if you're sexually insecure."  Is that my problem then?  Am I sexually insecure?  I'd like to believe I'm perfectly sexually healthy, but something about the way I'll sometimes shed tears after orgasm hints to me that I'm not.

Dr. Anapol continues with, "Many people give up on polyamory, or at least retreat into the safety of intellectualizing or fantasizing about its glories, once they realize the amount of sometimes painful healing and deconditioning which may be involved."  I did that.  When our quad collapsed for the final time I retreated, not just from polyamory, but from relationships in general.  Including my marriage.  I spent a few weeks 'single' in my heart.  I was afraid of more pain, but also I needed some time for personal growth.  During that time I opened the door to ending the black depression which had consumed me for months.  Taking care of myself became a priority and becoming healthy seemed possible again.

The Black Depression (I'm kind of liking the phrase all of a sudden - it's a catchy way to describe that time in my life), was the catalyst for a lot of my growth this year.  Now that I'm on the other side I feel like I am so much better able to recognize flaws in my emotional health.  I can also accept that I am flawed, without feeling nearly as guilty about it.  I know I'm healing, and I know it will take time.  I also know I will always have scars.  Scars I'll choose to wear with acceptance and wisdom.

I think I've always had some 'sexual wounds,' as Dr. Anapol would call them.  Right now I think I have a mixture of ancient ones, and those which were ripped open only in the last year.

New Girl

Jute had a new partner come over for dinner tonight.  He met Lane a couple weeks ago through craigslist.

Jute is much different than I in how he views sex with strangers.  He has no qualms about having a purely carnal encounter.  In fact, the idea turns him on.  From a risk management standpoint I'm not comfortable with him having one night stands, so our negotiated boundary has been that he only meets people for sex if they have the potential to become a repeat partner.  Before he met Lane he was looking for a new 'fuck buddy' because the woman he was been seeing for that had moved out of state.  I never met that woman because there was never an emotional connection; thus I was nonplussed about her existence, and he didn't feel the desire to introduce her to the rest of his life, and she wasn't interested in being part of it either.

Lane was a different experience for him.  He hadn't expected anything more than the physical connection, but upon meeting her he was happily surprised that she was someone he was genuinely interested in befriending and dating.  I've been really happy for him.  Not only am I excited for him to have this beautiful potential relationship developing, but I'm also happy because it seemed like his interest in Lane was another step in getting past the hurt he's harbored since losing Star.

I enjoyed meeting Lane.  She's not a person I would have noticed on my own, but I felt pretty comfortable hanging out with her and could see us getting to be friends eventually.  I'm sure Jute would love for us to become more - poor guy - he really misses having group sex.  However I'm hesitant to head in that direction.  Firstly because I'm not into sex with people I've just met, but also I'm not a big fan of group sex.  I've found that having sex with two or more partners is too complicated emotionally for me.  I feel inadequate when it comes to balancing the attention given to each person, and spend so much of the time focused on how everyone else is feeling in a given moment that I don't relax and enjoy the process.

I'm not knocking the idea of group sex in general.  It just hasn't worked as well for me.  I'd be interested in trying again someday.  But someday in the future.  I'm glad it wasn't tonight.