Dreaming of a Poly Library

I had the strangest dream this morning:

I was living in a library, and then Kit came to live with me.  Ostentatiously she and I were 'equals' in living together.  I was happy to have her join me.

Then Kit decided to rearrange the shelves and tables.  She turned them so that they were more open and accessible, yet the aisles were narrower.  I missed the wide cozy aisles, and how the corners had felt like little nooks.  I showed my sister what she had done and quietly complained.  Then Carter waved me over (because apparently he worked in my library).

"If you make me the postmaster I can make her put the shelves back," he said.  I was grateful for his suggestion, even though it wouldn't work.

"I can't do that," I sighed.

"Why not?" he queried me.  I was ashamed to admit the reason to him.

"Because that would undermine her." 

"Well you know what your other option is," he scolded.  "You could talk to her."

So what does a dream like that really mean anyway??

New Girl

Jute had a new partner come over for dinner tonight.  He met Lane a couple weeks ago through craigslist.

Jute is much different than I in how he views sex with strangers.  He has no qualms about having a purely carnal encounter.  In fact, the idea turns him on.  From a risk management standpoint I'm not comfortable with him having one night stands, so our negotiated boundary has been that he only meets people for sex if they have the potential to become a repeat partner.  Before he met Lane he was looking for a new 'fuck buddy' because the woman he was been seeing for that had moved out of state.  I never met that woman because there was never an emotional connection; thus I was nonplussed about her existence, and he didn't feel the desire to introduce her to the rest of his life, and she wasn't interested in being part of it either.

Lane was a different experience for him.  He hadn't expected anything more than the physical connection, but upon meeting her he was happily surprised that she was someone he was genuinely interested in befriending and dating.  I've been really happy for him.  Not only am I excited for him to have this beautiful potential relationship developing, but I'm also happy because it seemed like his interest in Lane was another step in getting past the hurt he's harbored since losing Star.

I enjoyed meeting Lane.  She's not a person I would have noticed on my own, but I felt pretty comfortable hanging out with her and could see us getting to be friends eventually.  I'm sure Jute would love for us to become more - poor guy - he really misses having group sex.  However I'm hesitant to head in that direction.  Firstly because I'm not into sex with people I've just met, but also I'm not a big fan of group sex.  I've found that having sex with two or more partners is too complicated emotionally for me.  I feel inadequate when it comes to balancing the attention given to each person, and spend so much of the time focused on how everyone else is feeling in a given moment that I don't relax and enjoy the process.

I'm not knocking the idea of group sex in general.  It just hasn't worked as well for me.  I'd be interested in trying again someday.  But someday in the future.  I'm glad it wasn't tonight.

New Relationship Energy

NRE.  New Relationship Energy.  For the uninitiated, it's what many poly folks call the 'walking on clouds' feeling you get when you've just started seeing someone new and you think about them every five minutes.  It's a great feeling, makes everything in the world seem a little bit brighter.

Even though I've known him for close to a year now, I feel like over the holidays we've opened some new doors in our relationship.  I'm finding myself feeling that special obsession.  Memories of his kisses, and imaginings about more of them keep popping up and then I'll give a little involuntary sigh of pleasure.  Mmm.  Of course, today we shared a racy 'texting's-too-difficult-better-use-the-phone' call this afternoon, which left us both in a state of post orgasmic bliss.  So that just gives me so much more to sigh about.

NRE is wonderful, but I need to be considerate of a few other people in the equation, namely Jute and Kit.  Jute is easier for me, afterall he's my husband.  I have a better understanding of his worldview and what's going to trigger his insecurities than Kit.  I also have pretty much constant access to him to monitor his well being.  Kit on the other hand is slightly an enigma.  As far as I can tell she and I get along wonderfully, she's easy to converse with and I consider her a friend.  However I just plain don't know her very deeply and therefore can't feel as secure about her perspective as I would like to feel.  I wonder if she and Raven's relationship is really as secure as it seems... perhaps only because that's a big part of what burned me with Star and Carter.

I also wonder how she feels about me. Is she only interested in friendship or is there maybe more than that.  Personally it's harder for me to tell if a woman is interested in me than a man is.  Maybe that's just caused by my lack of experience with the ladies, or maybe it has to do with my perception of what female friendship looks like versus male friendship.  It seems like there's more overlap between what is flirting and what's 'just-friends' when I'm interacting with a woman.  I'm not sure how I feel about developing a physical or romantic connection with Kit either.  That has more to do with my feelings about dating couples in general than with Kit specifically though.  She is a very attractive woman with a great personality.  If only I wasn't already becoming involved with her boyfriend.

Jute tends to look at things differently than me.  He thinks a "V" relationship is inherently less stable than a equilateral triad.  I don't know what to think about that though.  I think I'll leave that as food for thought for another day.