Dreaming of a Poly Library

I had the strangest dream this morning:

I was living in a library, and then Kit came to live with me.  Ostentatiously she and I were 'equals' in living together.  I was happy to have her join me.

Then Kit decided to rearrange the shelves and tables.  She turned them so that they were more open and accessible, yet the aisles were narrower.  I missed the wide cozy aisles, and how the corners had felt like little nooks.  I showed my sister what she had done and quietly complained.  Then Carter waved me over (because apparently he worked in my library).

"If you make me the postmaster I can make her put the shelves back," he said.  I was grateful for his suggestion, even though it wouldn't work.

"I can't do that," I sighed.

"Why not?" he queried me.  I was ashamed to admit the reason to him.

"Because that would undermine her." 

"Well you know what your other option is," he scolded.  "You could talk to her."

So what does a dream like that really mean anyway??

Cuffed

I wore my cuffs to sleep last night.  I was held by baby pink faux leather lined with fuzzy faux fur.  The short shiny stainless chain restricted me in a peaceful way.  I haven't worn my cuffs to bed for months.  The last time I did Jute caught me and teased me about it.  He thought Carter had told me to do it, but Carter hadn't.  At least Carter didn't think it was a silly action though.  He figured it meant I was feeling insecure, that I wanted comfort.  Carter understood that bondage, cuffs, rope, can mean more than physical sensation.  There's a powerful emotional release when I am bound.  Carter wove ropes around me and I saw it as an expression of art and love.

As far as I can tell Jute has never felt the magickal aura of bondage.  It is functional to him.  Mechanical restriction which can be used to facilitate physical pleasure.  Months ago, during a week where Star and I had been fighting and I couldn't be with Carter because of that, Jute thought it would be a good idea to arrange a date for me with a rope top.  I was unsure, when he proposed it, but decided it might be fun.  He found a nice enough man to do it, and I even enjoyed myself through the process.  The problem arose the next morning.  I dropped *hard.*  I sobbed.  I felt dirty.  I felt like I'd sullied the purity of my love for rope.  I'd cheapened it.

Star and Carter were furious.  They both knew how powerfully I react to being bound, and were incredulous that this idea - a fling to get my mind off them - had ever been given merit.  Even though she had been angry with me the other day, Star comforted me.  She spoke soothingly to me as I sobbed to her over the phone.  That afternoon she brought me chocolates and held me.

Even now, recalling that, I'm starting to cry.  I miss her friendship, her touch.  We were volatile together, almost because we understood too much.  We fought so many of the same internal demons - histories of abuse, abandonment and depression.  We have mirrored histories, and they link us together.  As distant as I've become from her I cannot 'un-love' her.  My heart is forever roughly bound and cuffed to hers.

New Girl

Jute had a new partner come over for dinner tonight.  He met Lane a couple weeks ago through craigslist.

Jute is much different than I in how he views sex with strangers.  He has no qualms about having a purely carnal encounter.  In fact, the idea turns him on.  From a risk management standpoint I'm not comfortable with him having one night stands, so our negotiated boundary has been that he only meets people for sex if they have the potential to become a repeat partner.  Before he met Lane he was looking for a new 'fuck buddy' because the woman he was been seeing for that had moved out of state.  I never met that woman because there was never an emotional connection; thus I was nonplussed about her existence, and he didn't feel the desire to introduce her to the rest of his life, and she wasn't interested in being part of it either.

Lane was a different experience for him.  He hadn't expected anything more than the physical connection, but upon meeting her he was happily surprised that she was someone he was genuinely interested in befriending and dating.  I've been really happy for him.  Not only am I excited for him to have this beautiful potential relationship developing, but I'm also happy because it seemed like his interest in Lane was another step in getting past the hurt he's harbored since losing Star.

I enjoyed meeting Lane.  She's not a person I would have noticed on my own, but I felt pretty comfortable hanging out with her and could see us getting to be friends eventually.  I'm sure Jute would love for us to become more - poor guy - he really misses having group sex.  However I'm hesitant to head in that direction.  Firstly because I'm not into sex with people I've just met, but also I'm not a big fan of group sex.  I've found that having sex with two or more partners is too complicated emotionally for me.  I feel inadequate when it comes to balancing the attention given to each person, and spend so much of the time focused on how everyone else is feeling in a given moment that I don't relax and enjoy the process.

I'm not knocking the idea of group sex in general.  It just hasn't worked as well for me.  I'd be interested in trying again someday.  But someday in the future.  I'm glad it wasn't tonight.